


Will You Still Love Me

by supersapphics



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 18:15:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16560833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersapphics/pseuds/supersapphics
Summary: Magnus doesn't have his magic anymore, and he doesn't know what that means for his relationship with Alec.





	Will You Still Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> After that sneak peak for 3B was released on Monday, I just had to write something.
> 
> I've never written Magnus' POV before, so I hope I did him justice.
> 
> This is also extremely contained because I only wanted to write about Malec, so the rest of the plot (like Jonathan and Clary being presumed dead) are conveniently absent.

Alec is worried about him.

Magnus knows this, and it makes him feel terrible, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t break down and reveal how he’s truly feeling, because that would only make Alec freak out and take off. So Magnus falls back on what he does best: putting on a brave face and pretending like everything’s ok.

He makes Alec breakfast in bed – breakfast he made from scratch, complete with a rose he picked himself – and Alec smiles and tells him it’s sweet, but the worry radiates off him.

Magnus proposes they spend Alec’s day off together, and Alec agrees immediately. They spend the entire day curled up together on the sofa, watching movies and eating food they’ve ordered in. Magnus spends the duration of an entire movie stroking his fingers through Alec’s hair, until Alec is literally purring, and when they go to bed that night, Alec is all smiles and soft kisses and gentle touches.

Magnus thinks maybe that will take care of it, but the next day Alec is back to shooting him worried glances when he thinks Magnus isn’t looking, and biting his lip nervously when Magnus’ efforts fall flat.

Magnus panics. What is he supposed to do? He can’t be honest. He can’t tell Alec the reason he’s spiraling. The only option he has is to keep faking until Alec inevitably falls for it.

“Hey,” Alec says during breakfast. “What’s your schedule look like today?”

“Not too bad,” Magnus replies. “My last client is coming over at 3:00, so I should be done by 4:00 at the latest.” Since losing his magic, Magnus’ main source of income has been making potions, since that’s the only skill he has left which doesn’t require an active use of magic.

“Good. What do you say I take off early and come pick you up at 4:00?”

“Alexander, are you sure? You just had a day off, and I know how busy you are –”

“Hey,” Alec interrupts. “I’m the boss, remember? I normally work 60 hours a week, I can afford to slack off every once in awhile.”

He flashes Magnus a grin here and Magnus forces himself to smile back. “That sounds great, darling,” he murmurs, and pretends he doesn’t see Alec’s smile falter when Magnus breaks their eye contact after only a few seconds.

Alec kisses him goodbye before he leaves and Magnus can’t help himself from being a little clingy, from kissing Alec a little too desperately and clutching him a little more tightly than the sitation warrants. He pretends it’s normal, that he’s just being affectionate when the truth is that he’s terrified he’s on the verge of losing Alec and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. He pretends he doesn’t see the way Alec makes to reach out for him and then aborts the movement at the last second.

 

 

Magnus’ clients that day are nothing out of the ordinary – some of them are polite and grateful for his help; others are arrogant and rude. It’s what he’s used to, it’s familiar, and it keeps him sane while the clock ticks down to 4:00. Truth be told, he’s dreading his date with Alec. Not because of Alec himself – he’s wonderful company, the love of Magnus’ existence, and every second spent with him is something to be treasured.

No, what Magnus is dreading is the inevitable realization Alec will face after the date is over.

This is their first real date since Magnus lost his magic.

Shortly after 4:00, he hears the key in the front door – they have to use keys now because Magnus can no longer erect wards – and moments later, Alec is walking into the apothecary. He’s already smiling when he crosses the threshold, like he’s in a good mood about something.

“Did you have a good day at work?” Magnus asks as Alec approaches.

“What? Oh, yeah, it was fine. You ready to go?” Alec leans across the table separating them and presses a soft kiss to Magnus’ mouth. When he pulls back, he’s still smiling. Magnus squashes down the idea that maybe Alec is smiling because of him, because he’s excited about their date. That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

“Yes, I’m ready.” Magnus slips his coat on and follows Alec to the door. He forces himself not to scowl when he has to stop and wait for Alec to lock the door by hand. When they’re outside, Alec begins leading Magnus toward the subway station, and Magnus struggles to hide his grimace. The _subway._ The goddamn _subway._ He hasn’t taken public transportation since – well, ever. He’d invented the portal for crying out loud, and now he’s reduced to riding the _subway._

Alec seems to love the subway. He snuggles close to Magnus once they’re sitting and passes the entire ride drawing heart-shaped patterns on Magnus’ hands with his fingertips. Magnus watches him and feels his bruised heart beat faster with how desperate he is not to lose him.

“It’s this way,” Alec announces after they step off the subway. He begins tugging Magnus in the direction of a restaurant Magnus has never seen, nor heard of, but immediately recognizes as an Indonesian restaurant once he catches sight of the name printed above the door. Magnus can’t help the small, pleasantly surprised smile that escapes him at the sight, nor can he control the way his heart races out of control when he sees the delighted look that appears on Alec’s face in response.

Once they’re seated inside, Alec begins asking Magnus questions about the menu – how many of the meals listed there does he recognize? Did he eat any of them while growing up? What was his childhood favorite?

Were it anyone else, Magnus would have believed that the questions only served as a way of making small talk, to prevent them from falling into the awkward silence that always hovers around the edge of their interactions now. Magnus hates that it’s there, because he and Alec never used to be awkard – their earliest interactions were normally full of tension, and there have been times where they’ve been angry or upset with one another, but _awkward_ was an emotion they used to be unfamiliar with.

Magnus blames himself for it, knows that the only reason the awkwardness exists at all is because he’s been pulling away from Alec, has been throwing his shields and his walls back up, and Alec, understandably, is confused and unsure how to react. Magnus tells himself it’s for the best, that he’s only doing what’s necessary to protect himself, but he still hates himself when he sees the flickers of uncertainty and self-doubt shadow Alec’s face.

Now, though – Alec seems sincerely interested in what Magnus has to say. Very few people know this, but Alec is an excellent conversationalist. He’s animated and engaging, asks insightful questions and always reacts in exactly the right way whenever Magnus says something. Magnus tells himself that this is all normal, that this behavior is identical to dozens of other dates they’ve shared in the past. He tells himself this so often that he almost starts to believe it. Almost.

“What did you think?” Alec asks as they walk out of the restaurant hand in hand.

“It was very good. We’ll definitely have to come back here again sometime.” He hears his own voice turn bitter halfway through the second sentence and can’t even summon the energy to try to hide it. If Alec notices, Magnus can’t say; he denies himself permission to look at him.

“Want to talk a walk?” Alec suggests a few strained seconds later (or at least they feel strained to Magnus). He nods in the direction of a park up ahead.

“That sounds wonderful.”

Just inside the park entrance, they come across a stand selling flowers. Alec insists on buying a flower for Magnus and confers with the seller for a few seconds before turning around and offering Magnus a red tulip.

To his horror, Magnus feels his eyes well up with tears as he accepts the flower. The gesture is so sweet, but there’s no way Alec can know what this flower symbolizes – if he did, he certainly wouldn’t have picked this one in particular.

“Magnus,” Alec breathes, “what is it? What’s wrong?”

Magnus shakes his head, not trusting himself to speak. Alec considers him for a few seconds before saying gently, “Come here.”

Magnus, still struggling to get himself under control, steps forward and follows Alec a few feet away, to the shelter of a large oak tree. Today is an unseasonably warm day for late October, and enough sunshine reaches them through the branches to make the spot quite comfortable. Alec pulls Magnus down to sit with him on the grass. Once they’re facing one another, Alec says softly, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Magnus shakes his head once again and tightens his grip on the tulip’s stem.

“Please?” Alec asks, his voice still so soft and gentle. “It’s killing me to see you like this. Just tell me what I can do to make you feel better and I’ll do it.”

 _He’s so wonderful_ , Magnus thinks, his heart giving an anguished lurch. Alec is sweet and genuine and kind and always goes out of his way to make the people around him happy, often with the result that he doesn’t pay enough attention to his own well-being. Alec’s good heart is one of the things Magnus is going to miss most about him when –

He cuts that thought off, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to prevent the escape of more tears. Even with his eyes shut, he’s certain Alec is still staring at him, begging him silently to say something, so he opens his eyes and says the first thing he can think of: “Do you know what this flower means?”

“Yes,” Alec replies, looking confused. “It means undying love. I double-checked with the vendor before I bought it.”

That brings Magnus up short, because if Alec _does_ know what the red tulip represents, then why would he –

“Magnus, I bought that flower on purpose because that’s how I feel about you and I thought it would cheer you up. But if I did something wrong, then please tell –”

“You did nothing wrong,” Magnus interrupts, unable to bear listening to Alec doubt himself. “It’s a beautiful flower. I love it. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?” Alec prods gently.

Magnus is so tired. He’s so tired of crushing down how he’s feeling, so tired of bottling it up and being afraid. He might as well just tell Alec the truth and get it all out in the open, because anything is better than this, this wallowing in his misery and making the man he loves miserable as well. So he blurts it out, before he can talk himself out of it: “Your love for me isn’t going to be undying once you realize what I’m like without magic.”

Alec stares at him, looking completely nonplussed. He opens his mouth several times as if he means to say something, only to snap it shut again and return to staring at Magnus like he’s just grown two extra heads.

Finally, after several agonizingly long moments, Alec finds his voice. “Is that what you think? You think I’m going to stop loving you because you’re not a warlock anymore?”

“I was a warlock when you fell in love with me,” Magnus mumbles. “And now I’m practically a Mundane. And you fell in love with –”

“You,” Alec cuts him off. “I fell in love with you, not your magic. You not having your magic anymore changes nothing.”

Incredulous, Magnus lifts his gaze from where he’d kept it glued on the tulip and stares at Alec through narrowed eyes. “You’ve never known me without magic. You’ve only ever known me as a warlock, but now that I’m – not, I can’t offer you the same life anymore. Our lives together are going to change and that’s going to have an effect on our relationship, you can’t deny that. What if you realize that the magic is a large part of what attracted you to me and without it, I just don’t hold the same appeal –”

“No,” Alec growls. “Stop saying that, that’s not true. Is that honestly what you think of me?”

“It’s got nothing to do with what I think of you, Alexander, but what I think of myself. I’m nothing without my magic. It was such an intrinsic part of me and now that it’s gone, I’m not sure that I know who I am anymore.”

“I know who you are,” says Alec fiercely. “Your magic was a part of you and you have the right to mourn that. But your magic didn’t make you who you are, and I didn’t fall in love with you because of the magic. I didn’t fall in love with you because you can snap your fingers and summon anything out of thin air, or because you can portal us to Paris within seconds. I fell in love with you because you’re generous and compassionate, because you’re clever and funny and sweet…” Alec lifts his hand and oh-so-gently brushes some hair out of Magnus’ eyes. His touch is so soothing that Magnus wants to slide his eyes shut to truly appreciate the sensation, but at the same time, his eyes are glued to Alec, unable to stop staring at him for a single second.

“I fell in love with your smile and your laugh, with the way you make me feel when you hold me and kiss me. With the way you say my name. Every morning when I wake up and see you curled up next to me, I fall in love with you all over again, and that has nothing to do with your magic.”

Magnus shakes his head, wanting desperately to believe what Alec is telling him, but somehow unable to make that final leap. As shitty as he’s been feeling these past few days, there’s a strange comfort in his fears and insecurities, and the idea of being entirely liberated of them is – terrifying.

“Look,” Alec says, grabbing Magnus’ hand and encasing it within his. “You’ve never known me as anything but a Shadowhunter. What if something happened to me and I couldn’t be a Shadowhunter anymore? If I became a Mundane? What if I lost my job as the Head of the Institute and didn’t have the same influence over Downworlder politics anymore? Would you fall out of love with me? Would I become less attractive to you?”

“Of course not,” Magnus protests almost immediately.

“Then why can’t you believe me when I say the same about you?”

“Because…I don’t know what I can offer you if I don’t have my magic. Today, we – we had to take the subway everywhere because I can’t make portals. We had to stay in Brooklyn because I can’t make portals. We had to leave the loft because I can’t summon things anymore. What else am I supposed to offer you now? What about me is going to excite you?”

Alec slowly shakes his head, staring at Magnus wonderingly. “You really don’t get it,” he whispers, “do you?”

“Get what?” Magnus whispers back.

“Magnus, I _loved_ today’s date. I _loved_ getting to sit with you on the subway in full view of everyone, so everyone could see that this beautiful, breathtaking man is _mine._ I loved staying in Brooklyn and I loved hearing you talk about Indonesia because I want to know everything about you. You’re endlessly fascinating to me. I don’t think I could get bored of you if I tried, and I don’t _want_ to try because everyday I learn something new about you and it makes me fall in love with you all over again. I mean…don’t get me wrong, you portaling us to Tokyo for lunch was always fun, but….you know what was always the best part of those dates?”

Before Magnus can even think to venture a guess, Alec is answering his own question. “It was _you,_ Magnus. Just you. Your company, your voice and your laugh…being able to touch you and know that you’re mine forever. That’s what’s made all of our dates special, and you know what? Today was exactly the same as all the others.”

The tears are back. Magnus attempts to blink them away, but it’s no use; they spill over anyway and stream down his face, probably ruining his mascara, but he doesn’t care, because Alec lifts their joined hands and kisses Magnus’ knuckles so tenderly that Magnus ceases breathing.

“I swear that I’ll do literally whatever it takes to get your magic back,” Alec continues. “But until then, don’t _ever_ doubt that I love you just as much today as I did in the beginning. No – I love you more. And tomorrow morning when I wake up I’ll love you even more than that.” He lifts the hand that isn’t clutching Magnus’ and strokes the petals of the tulip before looking up at Magnus.

 _Undying love,_ Magnus thinks. That’s what the red tulip represented, and Alec, knowing that full well, had purchased this flower for him and presented it to him in an attempt to cheer him up. Because he knew Magnus well enough to see through his defenses and facades and he’d known that something wasn’t right. And he hadn’t stopped until he’d found a way to make Magnus feel better.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Magnus murmurs, staring at Alec reverently.

“You were just yourself,” Alec says softly.

Magnus shakes his head, scarcely able to believe that this is his life. “I love you so much, Alexander.”

Alec’s answering smile is blinding in its radiance. “Not as much as I love you.”

Magnus laughs delightedly and leans forward to pull Alec into an adoring kiss, careful not to crush the tulip as he does so.

Magnus doesn’t have any magic right now, and he knows there are going to be tough days ahead until he manages to get it back. He knows this, but he also knows that he’ll be able to get through all of that as long as he has Alec at his side.

And Alec? The tulip said it all. He isn’t going anywhere.


End file.
